I was reading on a grassy field at the Seattle Center during Bumbershoot, the sunshine warming my cheeks, the first time I ever publicly denounced my faith. Of course, the public I am referencing was comprised of one middle-aged spectacle wearing English teacher with screen-write aspirations. He asked how I was enjoying the Vonnegut I was reading, and being chatty by nature I took this slight inquiry as an open door, ending up in a conversation about politics and religion. Miss Manners would have had a hay-day with me. When the topic of God entered the conversation, I felt my heart race in anticipation. Although I had spent the previous year internally detaching myself from religion, I had yet to verbally acknowledge this giant evolution of self. Suddenly, the words were tumbling out of me, and I felt like a large part of my life was breaking away. Like a baby bird coming out of its shell, I was exhausted and exhilarated all at once. It is possible that denouncing my faith came easy to me on that fine summer day because the man sitting next to me was a stranger, a safety net for me to try out these still startling words.

Denouncing my faith has been a process, and that day was just one step in many. There is a term used in Christianity for when people first accept the faith. The new believer becomes "born again," signifying their entrance into a new way of living. I have been born three times in my life. First, on December 17^th 1983. Then, I was born again in Jr. High when I decided I wanted to join my cousin in attending church regularly. Lastly, that innocent sunny summer day when I told the kind gentleman that I did not believe in God, that was the time I was born again. It felt like I was entering the world with an entirely new way of looking at it. I was waking up from a dream and I was starting to live. When I read John Collier’s Evening Primrose, I saw the main character Charles Snell being "born again" twice, in ways very similar to my experience with Christianity.

Upon my first reading of Evening Primrose I was very much disturbed. John Collier writes this story from the perspective of the Poet Charles Snell. The story is written in journal form, expressing the events of the few months through the eyes of Charles Snell, who has decided to live inside "Bracey’s Giant Emporium." Snell has retreated into the department store in order to escape the bourgeois society that hates his poetry. On the first night of his adventure he discovers an underground society of individuals who exist solely within the confines of the very same department store that he chose for his own escape. This underground department store society is not limited to just Bracey’s or even to just department stores. As the story unfolds, Charles Snell’s point of view tells what it is like to live amongst this underground society.

Of all the far-fetched and satirical stories written by Collier, I found this one to be the most frightening. Initially what scared me most was the idea of a secret society existing in a place so ordinary, yet surviving completely unnoticed by everyday society. It reminded me of that feeling you get when you know you are being watched, but you don’t know who is watching you. Collier writes this story and it gives me goose bumps because I feel as if there really could be people hiding in department stores and morgues, just silently watching me. As I read Evening Primrose more thoroughly though, I moved away from my initial reaction of fear and realized that what Snell is experiencing in the short duration of the story parallels my own experience with the Christian church. I see Snell fall into a world different a world set apart, filled with mannequins and people in hiding, and later wake up startled at what he has become.

The first journal entry is an exclamation of Snell’s excitement over his accomplishment of deserting the world that hates him, and leaving it behind in the dust. He is ecstatic over his decision to "turn (his) back for good and all upon the bourgeois world that hates a poet." (16) He considers himself free. Right here in the beginning of the story I see that Snell is fed up with the world, calling it bourgeois he denounces those people of money and status; those who control the motion of social class. Another important distinction to make from this quote is that it is not just Snell that hates the Bourgeois, but that the dislike is reciprocated. Snell considers himself a poet, but has made no money or gotten any recognition by being one, and the social classes of the world have rejected him as a poet. Snell enters into Bracey’s Giant emporium believing that he has come up with a brilliant idea of living there in solitude. He has decided to become a hermit of the department store so he no longer has to deal with reality. This is the first time that Charles Snell is "born again."

When I was in Junior High, the world was a dark and wicked place, as it is for most Junior High students. My parents did not understand me, my teachers did not understand me, I am sure I felt as though no one could really understand me. I was not old enough to have true independence in the world and yet I felt so very old and wise. I felt the isolation and angst associated with being a teen. Junior High is a very odd stage of development for nearly everyone. Pressured to be a part of a group, and vaguely familiar with the concept of Christianity, I picked the church as my security. I became "born again" as a Christian. I felt the same defiance and rejection towards the world that Snell expresses. Not only does Snell consider himself free of the judgment of the world living inside of the Emporium, but conversely he feels more free to look upon those still living in the world with disdain. He sees the night-guard and mocks the man under his breath, calling him a "worldling," as if Snell is a better man for leaving the outside world. (17) I left the cold hard world of Junior High for the comforts of an existence inside the church, and felt like I was a little better off than everyone else by doing so. I, as the Bible told me, no longer belonged to the world or those in it. I got to live by new rules, and I was excited.

During his first night in Bracey’s, Charles gets to sneak out and around a few times. He is very excited that this giant department store has everything he needs for the comfortable lifestyle of a true poet. He finds himself inspired. He describes himself as "happy as a mouse in the middle of an immense cheese." (16) Snell describes his life as "secure" and Bracey’s as a "sanctuary," (16) but within the same journal entry gives account of how he has to sneak and dart around the store, timid like a mouse. The church is quite like Bracey’s in this regard. Traditionally the church has always been a sanctuary. In history, the walls of the church were above the law, and the church became a refuge for criminals and outcasts. Although the traditional concept of sanctuary has melted away with time, the church still has reputation as a place of security. The church made me feel happy and secure, and just as Bracey’s had everything Snell needed to live in comfort, the church had all the answers to my questions. The church felt inspired to me, just as Snell felt inspired by his new surroundings. Only both the church and Bracey’s were places of inspiration founded in illusion.

There is that element of Snell living in Bracey’s that forces him to walk on his tiptoes everywhere he goes. When I entered the church, when I was born again, I had the responsibility of living under a set standard. I had new rules to tiptoe around, and being a part of the church meant I had to live in a specific way. I was promised freedom and handed a bunch of rules. I think Snell eludes to this sort of faux-freedom in his first and very enthusiastic journal entry, where he paints metaphorical images of freedom that do not truly connote freedom at all. Snell considers himself "free as a house-fly crossing first class in the largest of luxury liners" (16). No matter how large the boat may be, the housefly is still stuck inside the confines of the boat instead of being able to freely fly the world. Snell looks around the world of Bracey’s as if he has found true freedom within a box of a department store, and I was looking for freedom within the box of religion.

Although initially believing to be alone in his new world, as the night unfolds, Snell finds himself quite the opposite. Out of the woodwork emerges a world of half-people, pale and transparent, untouched by the sun. The story goes that these other men and women make up just one colony of thousands found throughout New York in different types of department stores and varying locations. Hiding themselves as mannequins or in dark corners during the operating hours of the day, these people have become citizens of the night, with eyes that are wide and flat, like those that "creep out under the artificial blue moonlight in the zoo." (18) Snell describes the people that he encounters inside of Bracey’s with words that often make them sound like animals, like monsters, and even as if they are turning into the clothes that they use to disguise themselves in. His descriptions make me feel uneasy, even frightened of this new society that Snell has entered into. It is ironic that even though Snell describes the creatures with fear, he immediately begins to emulate them. The first contact Snell makes with Mr. Roscoe he notices, "even as I spoke, that I was imitating his own whistling sibilant utterance." (18) Although Snell seems a little frightened and confused by the new world he has encountered, he also seems to embrace it.

This is not unlike my experience with the church. As I entered into and became a member of Eastside Foursquare, I was at first a little frightened by things I did not understand. Here was an entire congregation of people who would sing songs with their eyes closed and their arms raised to the sky. What about the way that they would pray so intensely? What about the strange incidents of spirituality where people would be crying, and people would be "speaking in tongues?" All of this was frightening to me. It did not seem normal or welcoming, and yet within a few short months I too would have my arms lifted and my eyes closed while I sang songs about Jesus. Snell whispers in the store because it is part of a method for survival inside of Bracey’s. I raised my hands and closed my eyes because it was a way to ensure my salvation inside the church. Both Snell and I were just doing what we needed to do in order to belong and in order to get by. I was scared of the church and the things that they did, but I was also scared of having to go back to the world that was full of unanswered questions. Snell was scared of the night-people inside the Emporium, but he was also scared of returning to the world where that hated his poetry.

The irony of the story lies within the world that is created inside of Bracey’s emporium. In a store filled with outcasts and oddballs comes a mini replica of the world they so hated and despised. When Snell is first introduced formally to the people who live at Bracey’s Emporium, it becomes obvious that there is a hierarchical class system set amongst people within the store. There is, of course, Mrs. Vanderbelt who, considered the "Grand Old Lady of the store" even by our narrator, was the first and original to go in hiding in the store. (19) She receives status through seniority and experience. She even has authority on the perceived class system that she is allowed to treat Ella, another member of the society, as a maid. How ridiculous that it is the bourgeois that the people despise, yet they mimic it in their own imaginary system? Bracey’s is supposed to be a refuge for the artists and the creative to live lives of luxury, in complete freedom to create yet the place lacks available inspiration that comes from truly living in the real world. So the people living within Bracey’s create elements of worldly life that reflect the society they claim to detest and have left behind. Although Snell and his company have set their lives apart from the rest of the world, the definition of this separation becomes more and more blurred as the story unfolds. Like the world outside, Bracey’s becomes a society that is separated into classes, in an imaginary world full of rules and restrictions, shame and praise. Even the way they entertain mimics the world they have left behind. They put on plays that deal with love, they play bridge, and they have informal dances.

The ultimate example of a blurred distinction between reality and imaginary occurs when Snell and Ella are on a picnic. It has become obvious at this point that Snell is in love with Ella, and he creates a picnic for them to go on. It is all make-believe, and the evening includes a sandy beach, a lake, a summer dress, and even a small tree, all created in Snell’s mind. Then, a spider comes along and ruins the entire night by interrupting the date. Snell reaches to brush the spider off of Ella’s knee, a slight gesture of affection. Of course, even the spider is just pretend, but it comes around anyway, because the world that Snell and the others living in Bracey’s have created must have the nuisances just as it has everything else that is found in the real world. It is the way the world must function, there must always be a spider to crawl on the leg and ruin the date. There must always be class systems and petty relationships. There must always be entertainment; there must always be unjust occurrences. Even in a controlled environment, even just inside the mind, humanity creates these things. The spider is imaginary, but the situation is reality. Living is just as blurry as the spider on Ella’s leg; we act based on our perception of reality, even if our perception is only an imaginary spider.

God was my imaginary spider. From my "born again" teen years until the year after I graduated High School I lived my life based on a perception of reality founded in religion. My life was dictated by my beliefs, and I had a world-view that was based solely on the existence of God, and my existence as a Christian. What I liked, what I did not like, what I watched, where I went, even who I liked and disliked was all filtered through my existence in the church. The real irony in the situation lies in the type of Christian I was. In my 9^th grade year, I cut my hair very short, dyed it a veritable rainbow of semi-permanent colors, and wore punk rock clothes. I went to Ska concerts, and got bruises from mosh pits. I was hardcore for the lord. I was just as hypocritical as the night-people, who left a society that they ended up mimicking. My church had rock concerts, and boy/girl overnights. We created a society that was as close to the one we left behind as the Bible would allow and still considered ourselves above the rest of the world. Snell and his companions live like I did within the church. Just because they existed within the boundaries of Bracey’s, Snell and friends felt elite, when in reality they had created an existence imitating the world outside. With my punk rock hair and my studded belts, I emulated a society that I felt I had set myself apart from. I feared and thought "wrong," the very thing that my image represented.

There is a sense of irony in Evening Primrose found in what the people of the night end up hating. Although initially driven to the store under pretenses of escaping society, they create their own mock society and then end up hating things completely unrelated. Mostly, they come to reprimand the sun. Instead of hating the ideals of humanity that they found repulsive, instead of hating the lifestyle of the bourgeois these people begin to have distaste for unrelated objects that represent society outside. As a poet, Snell should think sunshine poetic and beautiful, and even writes of how the imaginary sun shimmers on the imaginary lake where he and Ella dine, yet when faced with the reality of the night-guard, his smelling of the sun is detestable. I can relate to this all too easily. Christianity, as a religion, is not at all practiced how it was originally preached. I firmly believe that if Jesus were to come back today, he would be extremely disappointed in his church. Although initially many people are driven to the church as a source of refuge and understanding, as they turn towards religion and away from everyday life, they come to realize a set of "right" and "wrong" that really has nothing to do with being Christian. Snell is a hypocrite when he hates the sun on the night-guard but imagines it as part of his date with Ella. I became a hypocrite when I my religion made me hate things and certain groups of people, when the Bible tells me to love everyone. There is a level of inconsistency between what I professed to believe, and what I acted upon.

The moral really hit home when Ella tells Snell of the Dark Men, a colony that comes from the mortuary. Basically, these men come from the morgue when they are called and turn whoever is offered to them into a mannequin. The person who is plasticized may be a dead member of the department store society, or a person who threatens the balance and secrecy of the secret societies existence such as a robber or a member of the society who wants to leave. As Ella explains, once the person is made into a mannequin, they "put a dress on it, or a bathing suit, and they mix it up with all the others and nobody ever knows." (22) For me, this statement struck me with more force than any other point Evening Primrose was attempting to make. When these people who live in the department store society die, after living their lives confined within four walls, then their faces and bodies are put on display for all the world to see, and nobody can even tell the difference between them and the mannequins already in the store. Nobody knows. If there is no evidence of existence in life, then there is even less in death. Because the people of these underground night colonies are not living life in the outside world, then nobody acknowledges their death. Their existence does not matter. They could just as easily never have existed.

It is Ella’s few words that made me realize that Evening Primrose was ultimately about me. I know what it feels like to be alive but to not exist inside that life. I lived seven years of my life in a mock society that allowed for me to ignore reality. If I could count the number of times I felt nothing in the face of true tragedy or heartache, or if I could begin to list how many times I allowed my religion to pacify my emotions, maybe I could give you a glimpse as to what it is like to be a mannequin. I put myself in the box of God, and let the world pass me by. That experience? Not for me! I have God, I don’t need to fall in love for love of man is foolish and will fail you. You want me to care that you are suffering? You want me to be a true friend? I have forgotten how because God taught me not to care. I used my religion just like Snell uses Bracey’s, as a comfort, a sanctuary from reality, as an escape. I did not have to worry about the world, because the Bible told me I was not of the world. I did not have to adhere to the rules of society, and in this state of being passed much of my life. All of my teen and high school years were spent with my mannequin arms extended to a god in a society that was separated, aloof, but in reality exactly the same as the one I had left. Not only did religion become the life I led and the society to which I prescribed, but the life I could have been living sped past me. I held loosely to things I should have held fast too. I forgot all my passions, my fears, and my pains and invested my full stock into God. And then one day I woke up completely numb to the world that I was living in. The air I was breathing, the people that surrounded me, the work I was doing, none of it had any affect on me. I could not conjure an emotion and I had no more questions, I had ceased to be alive. It was as if I no longer existed in reality.

Waking up from that dream has been a difficult one. Suddenly I discovered that those arms, trained to reach to the sky, were not made of plastic. My mind was my own for testing and stretching, and the society I was emerged in was nothing more than a crowd of mannequins. I begin to be less afraid of the questions that existence poses. I just wanted to feel my way through life. I wanted to be able to fall in love. I wanted to be scared, frustrated, exhausted and invested in the life that I was living. And so, I was "born again" again. I reentered the world that I had dismissed in order to be Christian. It was not an easy choice to make. I had to give up a promise of freedom, the security of the church, the certainty of right and wrong, the answers to my questions, and the assurance of eternal life. It is a gutsy move, for a bird to break out of its egg.

I feel that Snell reaches the same pinnacle conclusion at the end of Evening Primrose when he realizes that Ella wants into the real world. When Ella explains that she is in love with the night-guard, she tells Snell about how the night-guard spoke to her one night. Thinking her a mannequin he touched her cheek and said "Say honey, I wish they made ‘em like you on Eighth Avenue." (25) What Ella heard is by no means perfect, or poetic, or even that romantic, but it is real. It came to Ella from a place that was touched by the sun. It takes Snell a while to realize it, but what he truly wants is to be alive and to love. When the dark men come to take Ella at the end of the story, Snell ends his journal entry with a desperate and brave mission. He has decided he wants to live again in the world outside, he wants to save Ella even if it means risking his own life. This is Snell’s being "born again"…again.

What can I take from Collier’s Evening Primrose? I will take life. I will walk away with my ultimate goal. To have lived a life that is worthy of poetry. To say a line that may not be eloquent or rehearsed but is as real and honest as the night-guards simple exaltation of Ella. I want to be awake during the day, and to sleep at night. I want to swim in a real lake, hide behind a real rock, wear a real summer dress, be bit by a real spider. I want to be a person who exists and lives in life, so when the plastics and waxen are all lined up in a row, people will see me, and they will know the difference. I do not want to be afraid. I want to feel the sun on my cheeks as I hear myself denounce my faith. I want to feel sad, happy, loss and love. I want the bourgeois to hate my poetry.